The Extratextuals

We all owe Jay Leno an apology. Many of us thought his show was awful. We also owe Jeff Zucker an apology, since we thought he had shown us the worst NBC could offer. But Zucker, it turns out, was just getting warmed up, and Leno’s inability to be funny seems kind of quaint and charming now that I have seen the horror that is The Marriage Ref.

It’s really hard to know where to begin with a review of something so utterly bad. I’d been led to believe that Seinfeld would be the host, but instead he sat there at the side like a creepy guy at a public park. The actual host was about as funny as a snuff film. The crowd were laughing, but I felt for their family members, who were clearly being held under duress elsewhere on the NBC lot, with threats of them being “disappeared” if the audience didn’t laugh, damn it, laugh.

As for the other celebrities, I didn’t know whether to feel more sad for Alec Baldwin or angry at him for agreeing to do this. I hope next time he’s up for an Emmy for Best Comic Performance, they discount this against him. Say what you will about According to Jim, but at least Belushi never did something like this (did he?). I note too that nobody outside the NBC/Universal family appeared on the show; indeed, if I ran any of the other networks, I’d be begging, cajoling, and pleading with my talent to stay away.

Despite those celebs, the whole affair was low budget, not in a fun and endearing way, but in a painful, bewildering way. NBC looks so broke, so destitute with this, and not just monetarily. The couples were rude, disinteresting, and entirely unbelievable (one of them wanted a stripper pole in his room, and NBC expects us to believe he’s earnest in thinking the judges would agree with him?), living proof of why the network will need to pay for real WGA writers, not just the hacks who created these scripts. The only thing that made it compelling was seeing how much worse it could get.

So, okay, the above’s a rant. You might be reading it and wondering what made me so grumpy today. But that’s the funny part. Nothing did: Canada won gold in men’s hockey. I couldn’t be happier. I’m riding Cloud Nine. And NBC gave me the win in full HD. So if ever there was a day in which NBC might’ve convinced me that something very, very bad was actually okay, it was today. Which makes me wonder: if this is how bad it is today, how much worse will it look when it starts for real?

When longtime television shows die, they’re said to have “jumped the shark,” courtesy of Happy Days’ dark days. Franchises can now be said to have “nuked the fridge” when they turn stupid as did Indiana Jones. In years to come, we may well find ourselves explaining to students that the by-then-well-known phrase for an entire network sinking into obscurity, “becoming a marriage ref,” came from February 28, 2010, when NBC announced that they really don’t care about quality any more.

new shows, reviews NBC, The Marriage Ref

Now that the TV season’s had 7 weeks under its wing, and the first sweeps weeks are over, let’s look at some of their professors’ midterm grades for the new class, after the fold …

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new shows, ratings cancellations, ratings

So, The Beautiful Life was the first new show to bite the dust, Trauma the second, and now ABC has announced they won’t buy any more episodes of Eastwick. Last week it pulled in a 18-49 demo rating of 1.6, with a 4 share. Hank’s been getting similar or worse ratings, so look for it to go next, but the forgotten got an order for another 5 episodes.

Those inclined to strict religious beliefs may have found Eastwick unholy and Godforsaken. I agree, albeit from a secular standpoint. So I say good riddance. Stars Hollow set, you must now find new residents.

(disclaimer: I enjoy my anti-fandoms, yes, but if you were a fan, I mean you no ill. I’m sorry for your loss, and I don’t voice my opinion with any sense that it’s scripture … but I still think the show was pretty horrific)

new shows ABC, cancellations, Eastwick

Jay Leno’s ratings are not good. Case in point – CBS was in rerun mode early this week, and yet its reruns for CSI: Miami, The Good Wife, and CSI: New York all still (handily) beat Leno. When they announced The Jay Leno Show, NBC talked a big game about how they wouldn’t be playing reruns because of Jay, yet viewers seem to prefer reruns now that they’re being offered the choice.

So who can Jay beat in the ratings? This week, on Monday, only Gossip Girl fared worse, on Tuesday, it was 90210 and Melrose Place, on Wednesday, only Vampire Diaries’ repeat placed lower than Jay, Supernatural pulled the trick on Thursday, and a House rerun just dipped below Jay on Friday. More after the fold…

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new shows Jay Leno

Come on already, network TV: I want some cancellations! I submit for your consideration Eastwick, Cougar Town, Grey’s Anatomy, Jay Leno, and Melrose Place … though somehow I think only the former is realistically going anywhere soon, and the latter a bit later.

Indeed, if we look at what has not been picked up, the writing may be on the wall for Trauma, Law and Order, Eastwick, the forgotten, Hank, Three Rivers, Til Death, and Brothers (with the latter two tellingly cut from November sweeps … which may delay their inevitable deaths). Almost everything else has scored a pickup, or at least a few more episodes in the case of MP (and Trauma, Hank, and Eastwick dropped further in the ratings this week, hitting new lows). More after the fold …
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new shows, ratings Jay Leno, Melrose Place, ratings

Permit me a hockey analogy:

In just two draft years, 1979 and 1980, the Edmonton Oilers acquired some of the best ice hockey players in history, and the core of arguably the best team in history, drafting Kevin Lowe, Mark Messier, and Glenn Anderson and acquiring Wayne Gretzky in 1979, then drafting Paul Coffey, Jari Kurri, and Andy Moog in 1980. For hockey-challenged readers, Gretzky is the highest scoring player of all time, Messier the second, Coffey the twelfth (second amongst defensemen), Kurri the nineteenth. Between them, these players have 34 Stanley Cup championships. So, 1979 and 1980 were good years for Edmonton.

Are there equivalents in television, years when a network’s crop of youngsters proves brilliant for them?

To get an initial answer to this question, I looked at the start dates of all the network shows currently on prime time.

The winner, it seems, is 2004 and 2005 at ABC, when the formerly struggling network debuted Lost, Desperate Housewives, Dancing with the Stars, Grey’s Anatomy, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, any one of which I’m sure NBC would sell Jay Leno and the first-borns of his family for fifteen generations for (that’s in contracts these days, right?).

Looking further back, 1970-1972 was a great time for CBS comedies, of course, as newbies M*A*S*H, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, All in the Family, and Maude gave the network not only four hits, but four of the most highly touted shows in the medium’s history.

NBC’s comedy moment was 1983-1985, when they offered up Cheers, Family Ties, The Cosby Show, Golden Girls, and Night Court (granted, neither FT nor NC are all that great, but they did very well in the ratings at the time).

Anyone out there know of other moments where one network just aced it? I know my comedy better than other stuff, so I’m sure I’m forgetting some storied years of drama.

new shows Edmonton Oilers

Not much change from last week, so I’ll spare you the full list and numbers. Suffice it to say:

• NCIS: LA is still doing really well, ranking #4 in overall viewers, and #19 in the 18-49 demo, easily the most successful of the class of 2009
• Glee, The Vampire Diaries, and Jay Leno’s Thursday night all had their best ratings to date
• Modern Family, Flash Forward, and Accidentally on Purpose recovered a bit from weaker showings the previous week
• Three Rivers and Eastwick edged closer to oblivion, both slipping slightly
• And Melrose Place is back in the undisputed last place, in both overall viewers and 18-49 demo ratings (and in class)
• Viewing in general was up last week, about a quarter of a million people per show on average. Measure the above three failures relative to that

So, my cancellation predictions remain the same as last week

new shows, ratings Nielsen, ratings

Tv By the Numbers just updated their Cancel/Renew Index for scripted shows (note: no reality, sports, news, or Jay), which divides a show’s demo ratings by its network’s average ratings to get a sense of how it’s performing relative to its colleagues. Go read, but some highlights:

• Most at risk are Til Death with an anemic 0.28, Brothers at 0.31, and Dollhouse at 0.33. All are FOX shows, so you gotta figure they’ll kill off the first two in time for the American Idolization of TV in January (if not earlier), and though FOX announced that it will play all 13 episodes of Dollhouse, you gotta figure that’s it.
• NBC’s worst performing show is Law and Order, at 0.48. Its worst new show is Trauma at 0.72
• CBS’s worst performing show is Numb3rs (which, like L&O is on Friday, so surely it has a little extra slack) at 0.54. Close behind is its newbie struggler, Three Rivers at 0.58
• ABC’s worst performing show is Hank at 0.64
• The CW’s bottom-feeder is (what else?) Melrose Place at 0.80
• The best performing new show? The CW’s Vampire Diaries at 1.65, though FOX’s The Cleveland Show is also doing very well at 1.52
• The best show overall is ABC’s Desperate Housewives at a whopping 2.09

new shows, ratings cancellations, ratings

A look at how the new shows fared this past week, with ranking within 18-49 demo ratings, and ranking of total viewers in parentheses:

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The Hits

• NCIS: LA (13, 3) has dropped in the 18-49 demo since starting, but is still going strong
• The Cleveland Show (14, 38) is up from a regular success, since it’s in the top 20 in the demo. It’s slipped, so it might go back down, but for now it’s doing very well

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The Successes

• The Good Wife (32, 9) is a really solid performer, without the volatile numbers that characterize many other new shows (see below), and with strong total viewer numbers
• Flash Forward (31, 28) had a bad week, dropping from the top 20 to 31 in the demo, and down 3.36 million viewers from its premier. But ABC picked it up for the season, so it’s on firm footing
• Modern Family (27, 31) is in a similar situation to FF: down in the demo, 4.28 million viewers down from its premier, yet picked up for the season and still doing okay
• Cougar Town (30, 37) also got picked up, dropped in the demo, and lost viewers
• Glee (28, 43) offers a rare situation: it’s doing better, up 8 spots in the demo since 2 weeks ago, and up 7 spots in viewers
• Vampire Diaries (60, 70), like The Good Wife, just keeps moving along with the same numbers, all of which are very impressive for The CW

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Middling

• Accidentally on Purpose (37, 48) is continuing a slow creep downwards, but is doing better than New Adventures and Gary Unmarried, so it’s probably safe for now
• the forgotten (51, 32) is struggling, and could easily drop a level
• Mercy (56, 44) is probably only protected by being the least unsuccessful of three new unsuccessful medical dramas
• The Middle (49, 52) is exactly there, in the middle, though it got picked up for a season, so clearly ABC have some trust in it … for now
• Jay Leno (best 47, 55; worst 71, 69) can do okay on Tuesdays, but otherwise is doing poorly

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Drop Zone

• Three Rivers (62, 41) has lousy demo numbers, not horrible, but low enough to make it CBS’s most cull-able new show
• Hank (64, 53) was tellingly the only sitcom not to get a full pick-up this week from ABC, and with its numbers, I’d be surprised to see it around much longer
• Community (52, 66) got a slightly new timeslot this week, sign #1 of being cut, and it dropped 17 spots in the demo, sign #2 of being cut
• Trauma (57, 62) has bad numbers, and “wins” the worst-performing medical drama sweepstakes
• Eastwick (55, 65) has gone down 20 spots in the demo and 29 in overall viewers in 2 weeks. I’d say it’s easily ABC’s most likely to be killed
• Brothers (80, 74) was dead last in the 18-49 demo, and close to that in overall viewers. Surely it will be axed
• Melrose Place (78, 80) had its best week, but when that equates to 78 in the demo, and last (80) in overall viewers, that’s pretty awful. Would somebody tell CW that Aaron Spelling is dead?

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Other Observations

• Total viewership is down about 800,000 per show on average from two weeks ago
• This week’s top 10 were (from top to bottom) Sunday Night Football, Grey’s Anatomy, House, The Office (yay Jim and Pam!), Desperate Housewives, Family Guy, Big Bang Theory, NCIS, Football Night in America, and Two and a Half Men in the demo, and NCIS, Dancing with the Stars, NCIS: LA, Sunday Night Football, 60 Minutes, CSI, The Mentalist, Grey’s Anatomy, The Good Wife, and Criminal Minds in total viewers
• Who says sitcoms are dead? 4 of those top 10 in the 18-49 demo are sitcoms, DH is a comedy more broadly conceived, and Grey’s is comically bad, if that counts

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new shows, ratings Nielsen, ratings

Now that I have another week of Nielsen ratings to work with, let’s reevaluate how the new shows are doing. After the fold …
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new shows, ratings Nielsen, ratings